Time
by electrolux
Summary: Vince is feeling his age.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I do not own any character Boosh related.

I could feel the club music reverberating throughout my chest as I leaned against the wall of the club. The hot mass of swirling bodies swayed and moved in time with the beat. I stared out across the crowded expanse feeling sweat trickle down the small of my back. I was exhausted; physically as well as mentally. This was the fourth night this week I had been out from dusk til dawn at the various clubs. It was on nights like tonight that I really felt my age, my real age.

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a touch on my hip and a voice in my ear asking if I wanted to dance. I turned to look at the girl, which was a very accurate description, as she couldn't have been more than twenty. I cocked my head to the side and smiled my well practiced smile. Leaning towards her I replied, with a no thank you.

The girl made a pouting face and wandered off. I closed my eyes with my head against the wall taking in the sounds and smells of the crowded space. Feeling the same I decided to call it a night. Pushing off the wall I made my way through the crowd and out a side door into the alleyway. The stink of trash bins and the city hit me at the same time as the chilled air. I stepped down into the street and started walking. I heard the door open and shut again as I neared the entrance of the alley. Sounds of rushed but light footsteps came up behind me as a feminine voice called, "Vince."

I turned to find the same girl from inside. "Alright," I said as she caught up to where I had stopped.

"My name is Katy," she whispered moving in closer to me. I looked down at her hands that she had placed on my chest.

"Hello again, Katy," I whispered back, letting her push me backwards against the wall of the opposite building. We were mostly hid from any passersby by a large bin at the mouth of the alley. She went up on the tips of her toes to kiss me, her hands now sliding under my black leather jacket to grasp my sides. She pulled back and I felt her lips along my jaw line and move down my neck. Her hands had slid under my shirt and to the front of my tight black trousers. I felt the snap give and the zipper come undone. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the wall of the building, allowing her to continue. A firm tug lowered the trousers enough to give her better access as I wasn't wearing any pants. I felt her breath on my cock as her hands began stroking it to life.

Just another typical night in the life of Vince Noir Rock and Roll star, admittedly, what she was doing felt good. I thought to myself just how many times this very thing had happened to me. Too numerous to even begin to count with her hot, moist mouth working me, this thought led to another because that's just how my brain functions; one random thought to the next, I wonder if Howard is still a total virgin. It had been almost three years since his party. Surely after his embarrassment he had ventured out into something physical with someone. Looking back through my memories I couldn't recall a single date or attempts by Howard to chat any women up for that matter. I made a mental note to try to remember to ask him the next time we talked.

I would…."ahhh," a groan came from deep within my throat as the girl, almost forgotten in my walk down memory lane, started bobbing up and down at a faster, deeper pace. Howard definitely did not know what he was missing. I should find someone to do this for him. It would be a great gift, although I could never tell him about it. He really wasn't as boring or as unstylish as I made him out to be when we were picking at each other playfully. I mean he couldn't exactly run with my Camden crowd, but London is huge and there are bound to be loads of women out there looking for someone like him.

Howard should get his meaningful trip beyond the physical boundary, he deserved it. My thoughts were once again interrupted when I could feel the tell tale tingling that I was fast approaching my own physical release. I am certain I'm going to find someone for Howard now. He must be very lonely; at least I have many friends to keep my nights occupied if I choose to go out and about. If I wasn't so easily distracted by shiny people and things I probably would have noticed this many years sooner. It has only been recently that I felt like I am missing something myself. I go to club after club, and face it, they are all the same after so many, I get pissed more often than not, and I hook up with random people. It was fun and entertaining for a long time but now I find my self getting bored.

I dig my fingers into the brick of the building I am leaning against as I feel my stomach tighten; reflexively I move my hands to the girl's head and thrust forward. She groans as she swallows around my jerking cock. The girl stands up on her toes again and kisses me deeply as I am trying to catch my breath. After a moment she pauses and looks up at me saying, "I can't wait to tell my Dad that I met you."

This phrase eventually filters through the post orgasm fog that is clouding my brain. "What do you mean," I ask, slightly worried at where this is headed as I rearrange myself and my trousers..

"Well, you see my Dad was three years ahead of you in school and he has pictures of you and him. His name was Dan, you remember him right?" without pausing for breath she continues, "I always thought you were so cute in the pictures, I recognized you in the club."

I do remember Dan. He wasn't that much older than me. "How old are you?" I manage to verbalize.

"Oh I'm eighteen," she says. She pulls out a biro from her bag and starts writing her cell number on my wrist. I am still standing here like an idiot.

She is eighteen. She is technically old enough to be my …Christ. Fuck.

I pull my hand back and mumble something about having to go. I leave the alley and start walking briskly towards the flat. A dull grey haze is appearing in the horizon. I walk numbly, all the while thinking about how I've just technically had sex with someone who is almost young enough for me to be their father. The world has gone wrong.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I do not own any character Boosh related.

I reach the entrance to Nabootique and fumble with the lock and let myself in quietly. A pale grey light has taken over the sky dimly lighting the path to the stairs. I see a light from above as I head up the stairwell slowly. Reaching the top I see Howard with his back to me at the counter. Hearing me he turns and asks, "Cuppa?"

I nod yes and make my way to the sofa. I drop heavily onto in. Leaning back for a moment and then shifting forward to put my head in my hands; my arms propped on my knees. Howard watched my display and turned back to the counter for a long moment. I hear the sounds of him making another cup for me. The sofa dips next to me as he sits and places the cup on the floor in front of me.

"Bad night out?" he asks.

"The worst," I confirm. He quietly sips his tea waiting for me continue. I rub my face and sit back properly, leaving the tea for now. "Howard. We are old," I say and I hear my voice tremble. "How did that happen?" I whine. I hear a soft snort from Howard. I look to see that he is softly chuckling to himself. "Howard this is no laughing matter," I say in all seriousness. I can't believe he is laughing at me.

"Vince, I had my age crisis four years ago, I've come to terms with it. Howard Moon ages gracefully, sir."

"It may be okay for you but I can't get old," I testily reply.  
"What brought about this melancholy about being old Vince?" he asks.

I close my eyes and lean back against the couch again groaning loudly. I cover my face with my arm and say, "It's well emabarrassin Howard."  
"Come on little man, it can't be that bad," he reassures.  
"It is," I reaffirm, "Do you remember Dan from school? He was few years ahead of us, the keyboardist from my first band."  
"Yeah I remember him," Howard grimaces, "He was the one who started that whole, Are you Vince's Dad thing in school."  
I laughed recalling that particular incident. "I had forgotten that bit," I admit.  
"Well you would, wouldn't you," Howard says with obvious disdain, "Anyway what does that titbox have to do with you feeling old?"  
I groan again. "I may have," it is probably best to just get it over with I think as I hesistate for a moment, "gotoffwithhisdaughter at the club tonight" I quickly mumble.  
"What," Howard says incredulously.  
I can already feel my face heating up. Howard pauses thinking for a second before saying, "So you are upset because you kissed an old mate's daughter. Well that's not so bad is it..."  
"Howard, Dan who is not much older than us, has a daughter. One that is old enough to be at a club and old enough to ... That means WE are old enough to have had kids that age out at clubs having...er...fun!"  
Howard's eye narrow slightly and he suspiciously adds "Hold on there Vince. Just hold on one minute. Out at clubs having...fun?"  
I felt the heat return with a vengeance and Howard must have seen because he stopped at that point. I really did not want to have to explain the details to Howard. He can be so thick. I didn't have to explain further because Howard quite insensitively burst out laughing.

"You didn't," he manages between giggles. I wish I could just crawl under the sofa and hide. The laughing increasing again as he sees my expression. "You did! Vince the pedophile," he said testing the new title.  
"I am not, she was eighteen! Besides we didn't have sex per se," I offer. Howard just shakes his head laughing.  
"It was bound to happen sooner or later Vince. You are nearly thirty five years old. Just because you go gallivanting about on the club scene like your twenty doesn't change your real age," he says seriously.

"You're doing a bang up job of cheering me up Howard," I reply with as much sarcasm as I can manage. I let out an exasperated breath and slump against the sofa once more.  
"Vince you spend entirely too much time partying and going out to clubs. You should be more productive with your time like I am. Howard Moon is a man of many pursuits and endeavors. I live a meaningful and productive life sir." he continued.  
"I know," I sigh.  
"You should join the Jazz club for cultural...what did you say?" he turns sharply, looking directly at me.

"I said I know. I've been thinking that for a while now actually. What do I have to show for my life so far other than my amazing hair and my legendary fashion sense. I mean my hair it is well genius and one of a kind but I've been feeling as if something is missing." I admitted.

"Whoa there little man. You've gone wrong. That's some deep thinking there, maybe you've injured your brain cell," he said completely seriously.  
"I'm not a complete idiot Howard," I say dejectedly. I decide that staring at the cup of tea on the floor is the most appropriate action at this juncture in the conversation. My mood has only been so far worsened by talking to Howard. My leather jacket feels like it weighs twice my body weight all of a sudden. I shrug it off and toss it over the arm of the sofa. Howard just stares. Removing the jacket hasn't been a drastic improvement. I feel like I'm in the wrong skin. Everything just feels so awkward and uncomfortable. I pick up the tea and take a large drink. I stand up and walk to the sink; I rinse the cup out and place it on the drain board. "Goodnight Howard. Thank you for the tea," I say as I make my way to the bedroom Howard and I share.

"Vince," Howard says I am about to push the door open, "I don't think you're a complete idiot. Get some rest and you'll feel better tomorrow."

"Cheers Howard, maybe I am just tired," I say hopefully. I close the bedroom door behind me as I enter and take a moment to lean against it, sighing. I finally gather the energy to shove off from the door and take my clothes off. Normally, I would hang them properly and start my makeup removal and before bed skin routine. I can't be bothered this morning and let myself fall face first into the pillow on my bed. I feel so tired that before long the black of sleep overtakes me.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I do not own any character Boosh related.

The sound of Howard shuffling through his wardrobe pushes the last fading echoes of sleep from me. If Howard is just getting up then I know it is dreadfully early and I haven't slept for more than a few hours. I brave opening one eye slightly to judge the light; it is way too bright to be as early as I thought. I vaguely remember someone mentioning the bank holiday. Howard must have slept in this morning since he didn't have to open up the shop. I simply refuse to get up even if it is later than I first thought. I roll over pulling my pillow with me, burying my face in the cold side, I shut my eyes tightly willing myself back to sleep. Somewhere between feeling sorry for myself and trying to come up with a way to get out of this state I'd fallen into I actually did drift off to sleep.

I woke with a start, covered in sweat. I wish now that I had just gotten up before and saved myself from having the nightmare I'd just had. In the dream, I was watching an old man in a care home. Day in and day out he was alone, left to sit in from of the telly or at the vanity table in his room. The shock of realizing the old man was me had startled me out of sleep.

I get out of bed, go to the wardrobe, grab some clean clothes and head into the bathroom. The routine of bathing reminds me so much of the routine from the dream that I rush through my shower. The prospect of spending an hour or more on shaving, makeup, and hair styling is positively ghastly. Toweling off, I avoid looking into the mirror. I pull on my clothes. I grab some of my mousse and work it through my hair. A quick comb through and I am done. No hair dryer or Nikki Clarke's today. Shuddering at the thought, I consider how bad I must look. I can't help but glance in the mirror and am greeted by stranger. Not hideous but certain not up to my usual standards. I take a moment to add a small amount of eyeliner. Normal black trousers, a band t shirt, and minimal hair care and makeup are just going to have to cut it for today's fashion. I just won't go outside. And I will wear a hat. And sunglasses. My stomach chooses this moment to remind me that I skipped dinner last night in favor of alcohol. One last glance at my reflection, I really should have shaved, I think to myself. Sighing, I ignore that comment from my brain cell and head out into the flat to see what I can find to eat.

Howard is sitting at the table with a newspaper. Without looking out from behind it he says, "I heard you get up and fixed your tea."

"Cheers Howard," I reply. I grab a banana from the fruit bowl and start back to the table. Naboo's bedroom door opens and he groggily rubs his eyes and walks out. He sees me and stops with a frown on his face.

I am about to say good morning to Naboo when Howard says from behind his paper, "It looks like Topshop is having a 60 percent off sale today Vince, what do you say we pop down there after you finish your breakfast."

I sit down at the table and start to peel my banana and say, "I think I'm just gonna stay here today and catch up on my magazines. Cheers for offering though." I take a sip of my tea, as Howard lowers the paper and looks at me in shock.

"Howard, you ballbag what have you gone and done to Vince!" Naboo says angrily. I had forgotten he was still standing puffs up and starts to reply, but I beat him to the punch.

"Oi there ya pint sized shamen 'owards not done a thing to me. I don't have to go to every sale at Topshop." I consider adding something about how I look too dreadful to go out anyway, but decide I to just leave it at that. I stand up and stalk back to the bedroom, grabbing my magazines from the hall table as I pass by.

I shut the door behind me and go straight to my ipod. I scroll through the list until I find Gary Numan's Jagged album. I hook the ipod up to the speakers that Howard had installed for me after much complaining as well as promising not to play electro music too loudly all of the time. I turn the volume up loud enough that I cannot hear any sounds from the rest of the flat. I can imagine Naboo still standing there scowling at Howard. I decide the floor is the most comfortable reading area of the room. My back is again my bed and I begin to flip through the latest Cheekbone. After nearly ripping several pages with my forceful browsing I decide there is nothing for it and give up. "Forceful browsing," I murmur to myself, "that is a Howard phrase if I ever heard one." I lean my head back on the bed and sigh heavily.

"Agh!" I shout to the empty room as I put both hands on my head, "I've gone wrong!"

"As I have said many, many a time before Vince," Howard says from the doorway with an arched eyebrow, "it's about time you realize it."Howard walks over to the ipod and turns it down to low background noise. He turns and after looking about the room he apparently decides to join me on the floor.

"Sneaking up on people is well creepy Howard," I say with no force. I am simply not up to sarcasm. I go back to leaning my head on the bed and I feel the bed dip slightly as Howard does the same. We sit in silence for a long while just staring up at the ceiling.

"Are you still upset about last night at the club?" Howard finally asks.

I get an uncomfortable feeling in my chest. It goes all tight and tingly, I feel my eyes water slightly as I try to speak. I blink hard and rub my eyes carefully so I don't ruin my eyeliner. Taking a breathe I say, "I don't want to get old Howard. I had an 'orrible nightmare. I was alone in a care home and all I did every day was sit in front of the telly. No one ever came to visit me. I was completely alone. It was awful." I feel a small trickle of moisture escape one of my eyes. It is becoming extremely hard to catch my breath, but I will not cry, I tell myself.

"Listen here you electro ponce," Howard says in his normal Howard like way for which I am grateful because I think any sign of sympathy would push me over the edge into a sobbing mess. "You are only as old as you feel. Besides, you still manage to look years younger than me and we are practically the same age." He stops and I can hear his brain trying to come up with more to say to cheer me up. "I think you can pass for 25 easily," he says. "As for that nightmare you can't put much stock into that because it couldn't possibly happen."

"Why is that," I ask not sure what he means.

"Because me and you are like yin and yang remember. We'll both be a couple of old geezers together in whatever care home we end up in. I'll still yell at you for throwing every thing about on my side of the room and trying to add glitter stars to all of my beige blankets and you will continue to find my love of all things brown appalling and tell me so everyday. On the plus side for you though I will probably let you play your electro music as loud as you want because I will be hard of hearing at that point."

I can't help but smile when I remember the time we dressed up as nanas and went searching for Naboo's book. I sit up straight and wince at the stiffness in my neck from the awkward position I had been in. Howard sits up as well and tries to glance at me without looking obvious. "You mean that Howard?" I turn to look at him properly. He nods. "I was one hot nana," I add with a bit of my old cheeky self coming out. Howard just gives me an exasperated sort of look. He never has understood my feminine clothing choices. Somehow this leads to a crimp involving a hot glamour nana, apples, formula one cars. I stand up, energized by improvement of my spirits. Before he has a chance to complain, I grab Howard's hands and try pull him to his feet as well. This was slightly harder than I imagined because he is bit larger than me and all I successfully ended up doing tripping us both into a pile on the floor.

"Get off me ya great lump," I laugh between gasps, "you've very nearly killed me." Howard is trying not to laugh as well. He rolls off me and is in the process of standing up when we both hear Naboo deadpan, "If you two are finished with whatever you're doing I've got an errand I want Howard to run," from the doorway. He stares for a moment longer then turns to head back out into the flat. Howard stands up and puts a hand down for me to pull myself up with.

"It works much better this way little man," Howard says, "Let's go see what Naboo wants."


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I do not own any character Boosh related.

Naboo was sitting on the sofa with Bollo when we came out of the bedroom. I walk over to sit on the floor next to the telly so that I am facing them while Howard just awkwardly hovers.

"I need you to pick up a bag from a fellow shaman in Brighton ," Naboo says as he picks up a card of the sofa next to him, "here is the address." He hands the card to Howard who looks at both sides and tucks it into his back pocket. Bollo, who had been staring at me closely since I came in, turned and nudged Naboo saying, "What is wrong with precious Vince? Why he look funny?"

A scowl immediately comes over my face. "I am fine," I say.

"Precious Vince not looks so….precious," Bollo explains.

"Oi, what is wrong with the way I…" I trail off as I realize that I had not gave my appearance my normal attention this morning. I touch my cheek and feel the stubble that has formed. Making a quick mental decision, which is no easy task let me tell you, I continue with, "The shaggy hair and stubble look is this week." Bollo and Naboo look at one another and shrug.

Before I can add anything further Naboo says over his shoulder to Howard who had started towards the stairwell, "Oh and Howard, take Vince with you."

This was how after a terrible night and a bleak start to my morning I ended up on the train with Howard on the way to Brighton . The train was remarkably empty and Howard and I had the entire area to ourselves. I leaned my head against the window and stared at nothing in particular. Howard was shuffling through the bag he had been carrying for a magazine, probably for Global Explorer or some other awful publication. My thoughts slowly drift back to last night now that I had nothing to occupy them with otherwise. I can feel the happiness from earlier with Howard slowly fading. I suddenly remember that I had wanted to ask Howard about being a virgin. "Howard," comes out of my mouth before I've had the time to properly consider that there is no way he will answer my question. Luckily, he either didn't hear me or was ignoring me. I took this small reprieve to carefully consider the most appropriate way to broach the subject. One had to be crafty when dealing with Howard.

"Howard," I repeated. He glanced up from the magazine, I was right, Global Explorer. Yuck. Looking back down at the page he said, "What Vince."

"Are you still a virgin Howard?" I ask. So much for careful consideration. Howard made a funny stuttering noise and looked up from the magazine, blushing furiously.

"That is none of your business," he finally gets out. I pull my knees up to my chest and look at him seriously before saying,

"I'm not taking the piss Howard. I really am just curious."

"It's still none of your business," he says again.

I sit quietly with my chin on my knees thinking about what I am going to ask him next. I really want to talk about this and I don't know how to go about it. Howard looks at me for a long moment before he folds up his magazine and places it on the seat next to him. His eyebrows knit together and he remains quiet. I must have really made him angry if he isn't even saying anything. Sighing, I close my eyes.

"Yes," Howard says. My eyes snap open and I can't believe he is actually talking about this with me. Well he answered me at least.

"Don't you feel like you are missing something though?" I ask. "I mean are you happy…." I struggle desperately trying to think of how to continue this without making myself look like a complete twat, "being alone all the time I guess is what I am asking."

Howard has a surprised look for a split second, before he says, "Honestly, I think I have just gotten used to the idea that I will never find someone to physically….love."

"You don't have to be in love to get it on, Howard," I say a bit cheekily.

"I know that, Vince," he says rather pointedly, "I just always thought it would be more magical, more special that way."

I can't help but giggle a bit at that, "Howard, you old romantic," I say smiling at him.

"Fine, but what about you? Why are you so not like a sunshine kid here as of late. You have an overabundance of physical interactions to keep you happy," Howard replies.

"I don't know," I honestly answer, "I just feel ….tired…tired of...I don't even know what, but something. It just doesn't feel fun anymore." I stop and look at Howard. He doesn't attempt to speak so I continue, "We weren't talking about my sex life, I want to know about your lack there of. What about that girl from your birthday party a few years ago, we never properly talked about that 'cuz you were well weirded out about kissing me or somefing or other."

Howard shudders and emphatically says, "that encounter, ended, ahhh rather unexpectedly, and I was not weird about us, well umm, kissing."

I laugh and say, "Yes you were and apparently still are because you're blushing. I can't believe you had never kissed anyone before. You should have said something and I could have made it more memorable." I grin at Howard expecting one of his squinty eyed responses about me being a tart. "I am still not pleased about being chucked you know."

"Well I did get a bit carried away when that, uhh girl, showed up. I really thought she could be the one Vince." Howard says with a faraway look in his eye, the one he gets when he is about to start spouting some of his horrendous poetry.

"Well," I say, not really wanting hear his latest attempt, "I think you should find someone and get laid Howard. I could help you. I could find someone to fix you up with. I am well skilled at match making, you know." I briefly flash back to the all the times I've tried to get a girl interested in Howard, it was bleak prospects admittedly, but I am feeling up to this challenge. It will give me something to keep my mind off last night at the very least. "I've got it all figured out Howard, after we pick up this thing for Naboo we can go out somewhere and look for girls for you and.."

"Hold on there Vince, I never agreed to this. I do not want to go out and find some random club girl, I need a woman of substance." Howard says. "I want a real companion, someone with whom I can share my love of Jazz, bookmarks, the vast color spectrum of beige, and stationary management."

"Ugh Howard, you're making me go all itchy just speaking like that," I say wincing.

"Well it wouldn't be you spending the rest of your life with someone like that so it doesn't matter if it makes you go all itchy," Howard points out.

"Howard," I say in the most exasperated way possible, "just because you have sex with someone doesn't mean you HAVE to spend the rest of your life with them."

Howard does look a bit angry now. He says, "Vince, have you ever stopped to think that maybe that's why you're so unhappy now? I mean you have spent over twenty years having one fling after another, maybe that's why your age is so trouble to you now. You know that you have wasted the prime of your life, your youth, and have no one to show for it. No one to come home to after a bad day, except a stoned shaman and his equally stoned gorilla."

Howard looks like he is about to speak again when a young couple walks in and sits several seats away from us. I put my feet back on the floor and brush invisible specks from my trousers. Howard is looking at the couple and turns back to face me. I think for a moment he is going to start talking again but he doesn't and I spend the rest of the journey staring out the window and blinking back tears.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N I own nothing of the Boosh. Short chapter, will try to get at least one more longer one up this weekend, as long as work isn't dreadful.

Neither of us speaks as we leave the train station and make our way out onto the street. I am just blindly following Howard at this point. My brain cell is on overload trying to process everything he said. Although I admit that Howard is most likely partially correct in what he said on the train, I am also angry and hurt. It is bad enough to come to the realization that you may have wasted a significant portion of your life, but to have your best mate point it out like that was horrible. I mean, yeah, I may not have much to show for my "flings" as Howard put it; but I have more to come home to than a stoned shaman and a gorilla. Why didn't Howard include himself in that statement? Me and Howard have been best mates forever. I have the best friends anyone could ask for, or at least I thought I did. I would much rather come home to Howard after a bad day anyway, I mean he gets me, or at least he did. I don't even know what to think.

The cool autumn wind picks up and I force my hands deeper into my trouser pockets, which is much harder than it sounds. I put my head down and trudge on watching the cracks in the pavement fall behind my boots. The streets aren't overly crowded and I can hear Howard directly in front of me and I want to say something. I want to shout at him that yea so what if I don't have wife or long term girlfriend. Having a jazzy freak for a best mate was good enough for me and then getting Naboo and Bollo as friends as well is just like the icing on the most sprinkle covered cake ever. We've had adventures and there is never been a dull moment for me. I feel heat rising in my cheeks and not the embarrassed kind. I'm gonna tell Howard just what I think of what he said, I tell myself as I scuff my boot heels along the pavement much harder than necessary. I raise my head and start to say, "Oi…" but that's as far as I get before I am roughly grabbed from behind and hear a blaring car horn. I have nothing to grab onto so I tumble backwards and fall squarely on my arse.

"Vince, you idiot! Weren't you watching where you were walking, you could have been killed!" Howard shouts down at me. He kneels down to grasp my shoulder, "Are you alright," he asks in a slightly softer voice. I twist roughly from his touch and knock his hand away. My heart is pounding a million times a minute from the shock of looking up and seeing the car coming at me. I turn away from Howard and use a bicycle post to pull myself up. My elbows are stinging fiercely, probably scratched from my hard landing. I ignore the pain and stand up straight. The anger I had been working up to before has now turned to a white hot fury. I sense Howard reaching out for me again and I spin to face him hissing, "Fuck. Off." I say as I feel my body trembling from rage.

I am angry at myself for nearly being ran over, I am even more furious for falling on my arse. Howard moves toward me again and I cut him off, "I swear Howard if you touch me …." I don't have to continue because Howard immediately backs up. I bend over and grab my cowboy hat that had fallen off onto the street. I push it onto my head and turn towards the crosswalk and stalk through the intersection without even looking. I should be scared but I'm still too furious to care. Once I reach the other side of the street, I falter as the cold wind blowing on my hot skin shocks my system. I cross my arms tightly against my chest and push forward. Howard is left staring at my retreating figure and I don't care.


	6. Chapter 6

A/n I own nothing of the Boosh, the bag may be borrowed a bit from Harry Potter:)

He knows me well enough to leave me be. I don't get like this often but when I do, Howard says it's like having Hurricane Vince roll through the flat; I have to rage until it blows over; then the sunshine comes out again.

The anger is still there but the rush from the near accident is abating and I wince slightly and loosen my arms a bit. My elbows are stinging and I bend my arms around to look at the damage. They are scratched and only bleeding slightly. It's a good thing I am wearing short sleeves or I would have ruined anything else. I shudder as a particularly cold gust of wind blows past me. Or maybe those long sleeves wouldn't be such a bad idea I think to myself. I am freezing. I slow my pace and tuck my arms in as close to my body as I can without causing any more pain. I look around and come to the realization that I have no idea where I am or where I am going. And Howard has my return train ticket.

"Fuck," I say aloud to no one. I stop and turn around to see how far I've gone. I've only been walking for a few minutes but I don't recognize any of my surroundings. How would I? I wasn't looking where I was going when I stormed off. "This is absolutely bloody fantastic," I mutter to myself. I feel the intense anger returning. I am lost and I have no idea where I am even supposed to be going to meet Howard because he has the card with the shop address on it. I don't even know the name of the shop.

I walk for another few minutes when I see a patisserie shop with a large advert for delicious looking sweets on it. I shiver slightly and my mind is made up. I am going to go into the shop and warm up a bit before I go to look for Howard.

The smell of fresh pastry makes my stomach growl and I dig in my pockets to see if I have any money. I pull a folded up fiver from my back pocket and make my way to the counter. I order a small hot chocolate and a mini crepe with nutella and banana. I find a small table near the back of the shop and sit with my back to the door. The lighting is low and the warmth is comforting. I nibble at the crepe while I wait for the chocolate to cool. It is usually one of my favorite deserts but today it just tastes a bit bland.

Taking my hat off and placing it on the other side of the table, I lean forward and put my head in my hands. This has been a terrible continuation of the previous night. I don't function well like this. I am a happy and cheerful person by nature and this, this depression or whatever it is, is becoming unbearable. I went right off and snapped at Howard who was just trying to help me after I fell. Now that I think about it, it wasn't a fall; Howard saved me from being run over. Granted, I was still slightly angry about what he said on the train. I was just trying to do something nice for him. At the rate he is going he will be a virgin and all alone until he dies. I suppose we would end up in a care home together just like he said; maybe he has thought about this before and already came to that conclusion. Still, I was only trying to give him something to be happy about.

I close my eyes tightly and breathe in the smell from the cooling chocolate on the table below me. I run my fingers from my forehead back through my hair and it is somewhat soothing. I jerk my head up at the sound of someone sitting heavily opposite me.

Howard is sitting back in the chair looking at me, waiting for me to speak first. Relieved and irritated at the same time that he found me, I do not speak. I simply pick up my cup and glance at the artwork hanging on the wall to the left of Howard intent on ignoring him until he speaks first. I take a sip and am rewarded with an intense burning sensation on my tongue. Hot liquid sloshes from my cup and into my lap as I jump from the startling sensation.

"Bloody fuckin hell," I say while standing and placing the cup sharply on the table. A woman across the room looks up from her book with a disapproving glare which I return quite promptly. "Bollucks," is all I can manage to come up with as I stare at the wet patch on my trousers and t shirt. Looking up I see that Howard is holding a out a small serviette. I give up on trying to be angry and with a sigh take it and blot at the stain. I return to my seat and put my head and my folded arms on the table. Howard is still silent after a several minutes so I look up and see that he is staring at me with a mixture of sympathy and worry.

"Thank you, Howard," I say and it sounds weary and bleak even to me. "How did you find me?"

Howard gives me a slight smile saying, "This was the first shop with sweets in the direction you went."

I make a small harrumph noise, roll my eyes, and slouch further back into my seat. Howard chuckles at my pouting display. I don't mind his amusement. In fact it actually makes me feel slightly better. I weakly smile up at him, looking through my fringe which has fallen into my eyes and give a small shake of my head. "This has been the worst twenty four hours of my life."

"It will be alright little man."

"You should have just let that car run me over and end my suffering."

"Now you're just being melodramatic."

I look back at the hot chocolate remaining in the cup and decide to give it another go. It is much cooler this time and delicious. I push the dish with what is left of the crepe I was nibbling on toward Howard. He picks it up and finishes it in one bite. I think to myself that he never takes his time to enjoy anything. I place on arm on the table and twist the small serviette in my fingers staring intently at it. Without looking up I say,

"I was just trying to do something nice for you, ya know? Back on the train I mean."

"I know. I think that by now Vince, even you should know that our ideas of nice things is slightly different."

"You might enjoy it if you loosen up a bit. And I meant to say before that car came out of nowhere.."

"You stepped right in front of him, Vince."

"Yea well, I was going to say that even if I don't have a girl friend or whatever I was always happy to have my best mates to come home to; even if that includes a stoned shaman and gorilla."

I am still staring the twisted mess of tissue paper my fingers have made of the serviette and I hear Howard start to speak so I continue.

"And furthermore, even if you are right, which I will give you is a possibility, that not having a significant other is the root of my problem. I still say that having you as a friend for the biggest part of my life, and then meeting Naboo and Bollo at the zoo, and having all the adventures that we have had counts for something."

"Of course it does, Vince," Howard says sounding a bit gruff. I look up at him finally and see that he is scratching at his eye. Seeing me he clears his throat and shifts in his seat. I pick up the cup and take the last sip of hot chocolate. I stand and turn towards the shop window, it is dusky outside. I turn back and look down at Howard.

"I guess we should go find this shop before it closes."

"I've already been and picked up the item for Naboo, the shop was only across the street from where the car nearly hit you." He says pulling a small black velvet looking bag from his jacket pocket and places it on the table. "I've not the slightest clue what it is." I see he has a larger black article draped over his lap. Following my gaze he looks down and abruptly stands up and hands the dark cloth over to me.

"Umm here I saw this in the shop and thought you would probably be freezing without a jacket on so I bought it."

I take the cloth and unfolding it, realize that it is an old military jacket. It is soft and black with a high collar and silver piping and buttons running up one side. I put it on and looking down at myself and then back to Howard I say,

"Cheers Howard. I've wanted one of these for ages. I love it."

Howard fidgets a bit and asks me if I want another hot chocolate. I am trying to look at my reflection in the window but it is not quite dark enough outside just yet.

"Yeah, I think I will have another. It will keep my hands warm on the walk back to the train at least."

"Actually we've got quite a bit of time to kill before the train. I booked the last one back to the city in case we had any trouble finding the shop." He glances down at his watch. "We have a few hours till we need to be at the station."

I sit back down in my chair admiring the shiny and slightly scuffed buttons at my wrists while Howard orders another drink. I see the small velvet bag and my curiosity gets the better of me and I reach for it. It is a rectangular wallet shaped bag with a drawstring at one end. I open it and look inside, seeing nothing I slip my hand in to feel around in case I missed something small. My eyes widen as my hand continues into the bag all the way up to my elbow before I feel the bottom. Laughing a bit to myself I say, "That is well genius, I'm gonna have to get Naboo to get me a wardrobe like this."

Howard returns and sits across from me with a cup of his own to match mine.

"Hey, watch this." I say as I demonstrate how the bag works. I hand Naboo's bag over the table to Howard and I look at my cup of chocolate.

"I had them add a bit of milk to cool it down; it should be fine to drink."

I stare suspiciously at the cup for a moment before I pick it up and take a tentative sip. It is the perfect temperature. Howard fiddles with the bag and I sit quietly staring at the wall lost in my thoughts again. After a while I ask Howard if he wants to go explore since we've time to kill. He says why not. I stand up and retrieve my cowboy hat from the table place it on my head. Howard looks sideways at me but doesn't say anything.

"What?"

"Nothing"

'This hat is shit with the coat isn't it?"

"well…"

I grab Naboo's bag off the table and open it so that I can slide my hat in without bending it. Experimentally I mash the bag up gently and open it. Pulling my hat out I see that it remains in perfect shape.

"Genius."

Returning the hat to the bag I hand it over to Howard who puts it back in his own jacket pocket. He stops then takes Naboo's bag out again and puts his large shoulder bag in it as well. Satisfied he returns it to his pocket and gestures to door.

"Ready?"

I nod and we head back out onto the darkened street with our cups in hand.


	7. Chapter 7

Strands of hair blow about my eyes as I step onto the street; cursing to myself I think that even if the hat looks terrible with my coat it would be preferable to having my hair in my eyes all evening. I use my free hand to push the hair away. Howard is beside of me now, looking expectant.

"What?"

"Which direction do you want to go?" He asks turning and looking up and down the street. I follow his gaze and nothing really jumps out at me.

"Whichever."

Howard shrugs and starts in the direction opposite we arrived in. I fall into pace beside him. Several minutes pass as we walk in silence; my irritation growing as I'm constantly changing the hand holding my hot chocolate so that I can swat at the hairs whipping about my face.

"Bollocks." I say spitting as I have just gotten a mouth full of hair as I tried to take a drink from my cup. Hair products are not tasty in the least. I reach for Howard's jacket pocket with the bag and my hat in it. He jumps about ten feet in the air at the apparent intrusion on his person as my hand feels for the bag.

"Calm down Howard I'm just trying to get the bag from your pocket."

"What have I told you about touching me Vince?"

"I need my hat back; this wind is driving me crazy."

I finally manage to pull the bag free. Howard is glaring at me so I hand him my cup. I retrieve my hat and move toward Howard's pocket to return the bag to it. He backs up and thrusts my cup at me. We swap articles and he stuffs his back into his jacket pocket all the while still glaring at me.

"Your hopeless Howard," I say shaking my head, "Even if I did find someone to shag you silly; you'd just refuse on the grounds that it required touching." I position the cowboy hat atop my head with my free hand. We start down the street again.

"I just don't like being touched."

"So you've never kissed anyone other than me that night at our party?" I ask.

"No, well my mum used to kiss me on the cheek. Well, there was that time with Eleanor, but that was more like a vicious attack of lips on my face"

"Ugh, Howard not the same. I'm fairly certain that neither of those counts, and you've never held hands with anyone, yeah?"

"Never."

"Then how exactly do you know you don't like to be touched?"

"I…just do I suppose."

"You're missing out Howard, I'm telling you. Sometimes it's amazing. I've encountered some very talented women in my time."

"That's just crude Vince. Women? I thought you were the Great Confuser." Howard asks with a sideways glance at me. I smile back at him,

"I am. I've kissed men before, but I never actually had sex with one. Well there was that time that me and Leeroy had a three-way with this one bird but that doesn't really count 'coz he mostly just watched and then had his go at it."

The look on Howard's face is priceless. He is blushing furiously and has completely stopped walking. I stop as well and turn back to him.

"What?" I say, laughing. "God, Howard you are such a prude."

"You mean you let him watch you….you know?" He says incredulously, looking around to make sure no one can hear what he is saying.

"Yeah I did. It was well kinky. Leeroy wanted to film it, he reckoned we could make a fortune off an authentic Vince Noir sex tape. But she said no."

"Film it, that's just…just disturbing and I don't know how he would expect to make money off such a thing."

"Well celebrity sex tapes are certainly out of style," I explain but, I catch the look Howard is giving me and a thought occurs to me, "Howard, have you ever even watched porn?"

"It always seemed to like such an indecent thing to do and I would not be caught dead in an establishment that sold such things."

"Oh. My. Sweet. Lord." I cannot even believe that in this day and age someone could be so virginal, even Howard. "What to do you think the internet is for, ya bumbaclarke."

"Not that."

"Howard, no wonder you're still a virgin, you really have no idea what you are missing."

"I understand the mechanics of it, Vince; and it seems positively ….gross."

"Howard, that is totally unacceptable. No mate of mine, let alone my best mate, is gonna die a virgin.."

"Bu.."

"Shush you, this is not up for debate," I say and without hesitation grab Howard's hand and begin to drag him behind me down the street.

"Wait… stop… Vince let go of my hand…please let go of my hand?...At least tell me where we are going."

"That is for me to know Howard, and you to soon find out."


	8. Chapter 8

A/N I own nothing of the Boosh. Sorry for the delay, Ive been sick and had a bit of writers block.

Dragging Howard is not as easy as it sounds as he is taller and much heavier than I am. I have to keep up a fast pace to keep him from running over me. I glance up and down side streets as we walk looking for the perfect type of club. Howard needs his boundaries challenged in a massive way and there is nothing like a packed, dark, and pulsating club to do that. It is a bit early for the clubs to be really going, but I will find something I think to myself as we pass darkened store fronts and the occasional shop that is still open. I stop dead, catching a glimpse of something potentially wonderful out of the corner of my eye. This was a monumentally bad idea as Howard immediately crashed into me nearly knocking us both off our feet.

"Vince, what are you on about stopping like that," Howard says straightening his horrible Hawaiian print shirt and hat. Howard follows my gaze and rolls his eyes, "You've been dragging me all about this town to go _shopping_?"

I ignore Howard mentally working out just how perfect this outfit will be, I grab his hand once more and pull him after me into the shop. The shop keeper look mildly irritated at the intrusion and eventually comes over to the window front where I am examining a jacket.

"Can I help you this evening?" the young lady asks.

"Do you have this jacket in one size larger, this shirt in one size smaller and black, and these trousers in a darker blue denim?" I ask. She looks from me to the clothing I've indicated and says,

"I don't think the sizes your asking about will fit someone of your stature."

"Of course not, they are for him," I say gesturing at Howard, "not me."

She nods, glancing at Howard and with a look that says she understands exactly what I mean she makes her way to the back of the shop to a storeroom. Howard has turned his attention on me, "What do you mean they are for me."

"They are perfect Howard, you'll see as soon as you try them on."

"I'm not buying any clothes today Vince."

"Well that's all well and good because I am buying them for you," I fish the bank card out of my back pocket and wave it at him.

"That's not your bankcard Vince, yours is silver and hot pink, I've seen that eyesore enough times to know sir."

"Bollo gave me his before we left in case of an emergency and this is definitely a fashion emergency."

"I don't think that is the type of emergency he was talking about."

The shop keeper returned just then and bundled the clothes into Howard's arms, "You can put them on through there," she said gesturing towards a stall at the back of the store. She kept impatiently glancing at the clock, which now said that it was five past closing time. I chewed on a fingernail as I paced impatiently waiting to see if this would be as perfect as I imagined in my head.

"Hurry up Howard," I called through the changing room door.

"This isn't something I would ever chose for myself Vince," he called back; "I look like a pretentious twat."

"Let me see Howard, I don't even know what that means."

My impatience overwhelming me I pulled open the stall door and stepped inside.

"Whoa there sir, you are blatantly invading my personal space," Howard said as he backed up as far as possible against the wall. I glanced up and down very pleased with myself. I put my hands up to undo the top two buttons and I ruffled the shirt collar around Howard's neck a bit. Howard just stared down at me with a look of abject horror at what he would probably call my manhandling of him. Looking up at him I decided I may as well go for broke and mussed up his hair as well. I had been neglecting cutting it with my recent club schedule but it suited him slightly long and shaggy.

"Much better," I murmured to myself, giving one final look, I ran my hands down the lapels of the jacket to smooth it into place. I grabbed Howard's shoulders and turned him to face the mirror at the back of the stall, which took a bit of maneuvering as it was a very cramped space for two grown men. I went up on my toes to look over his shoulder at his reflection. "This may be my best work yet, Howard. Definitely your best look ever. This even tops that outfit I put together that time you were a prossie."

"I look.." Howard started.

"Well distinguished," I finished.

Howard unthinkingly took a step back to better appraise his appearance, which pushed me against the stall door in a very undignified manner.

"Oi, your crushing me Howard," I managed.

An impatient, "Ahem," sounded from outside the stall.

After a bit more maneuvering we both exited the stall, and the look of irritation on the shop keeper's face was replaced with one of obviously approval as she looked Howard over appraisingly.

"We'll take the lot," I said handing her the bankcard.

Howard self consciously fiddled with the lapels of the jacket and then the cuffs which I had purposefully chosen to be a bit short for him.

"Would you like a bag for your old clothing," the lady asked.

"No, just burn them."

"Yes," Howard and I said at the same time. Howard reached out for the bag with his old clothes and as he took it from the young lady she said in a very flirtatious manner, "I knock off in about a half hour, would you like to go out for a drink."

I made a very pleased noise and nudged Howard who was blushing furiously at the offer.

I well…I uh.." he stammered.

"Maybe some other time" I said for him.

The shopkeeper looked and me and blushed, "Oh sorry I didn't realize you two were..er"

"It's no problem, we'll be off now, cheers for letting us in so close to closing time." I called back to her as we made our way out the door. Howard followed closely behind.

I turned to face him and he nearly ran into me for the fourth time this evening.

"You've just been hit on Howard," I said cheekily.

"I should go back and get her number," Howard said turning back to the shop.

"Hold up Howard, you don't have to jump at the first offer, believe me you are going to get a few tonight." I said, "Besides after seeing us in the changing room she thinks we are together anyway."

Howard made a face of distaste at me and I laughed.

"Come on then, let's see what the night holds for Howard T.J. Moon." Howard said and offered me his arm. Still laughing and feigning shock I linked our arms and we started down the lamp lit street in search of a club. I would probably regret this boost in Howard's confidence before the night was over, but it was a nice change to see him genuinely smile, I thought to myself as we strolled along. After a moment I leaned my head against his shoulder and felt him stiffen, but then relax into me. I glanced up in time to see that he was smiling looking down at me,

"Thanks Vince," he said quietly.

"Your welcome, but you owe me now. I think opening the shop up for the next month will suffice."

"I always open the shop anyway so thats not a drastic change is it," he said.

"Well in that case how about pancakes for a month." I returned.

"A week."

"Two weeks."

"One week and I will buy some of those chocolate sprinkles you love for toppings."

"Deal." I say, smiling and enjoying the warmth of Howard next to me as we walked.


End file.
